Log in

Previous Entry | Next Entry

The plague wars

I haven't blogged about this before, because I didn't want to make them angry (but, shh, I think they're sleeping now). About three weeks ago, the hair follicles on my legs attacked me. It went something like this:
Me: (perusing grocery store a couple days before the RT convention) "Hmm, they're all out of my usual brand of razor. Can't go to the convention all hairy, so I'll just buy this brand instead."
Hair follicles: "Don't do it. We likes our usual brand."
Me: "Oh, you'll never know the difference."
Hair follicles: "Uh huh. Try us."
I ignore them and go home, shaving thoroughly. The follicles, bald and pissed, begin plotting their revenge.
Fast forward to my second day at the RT convention. I've showered and shaved - again - and I'm sitting on my hotel room bed applying cream to my legs. That's when I saw the first of them. Not enough to alarm, there were about three or four little red dots along my legs.
Me: "I don't remember getting bitten by mosquitoes. Hm. Oh well. Must've happened when I was walking the dog back in FL."
Hair Follicles: That's right, don't worry about us. We're harmless. *summons all follicles together* SPARTANS! PREPARE FOR GLORY!!!!"
By the end of the RT convention, my legs were covered with little red dots. It looked like chicken pox, except I'd already had that. I couldn't do anything about it, since I was out of state and still had a day-long train ride before I'd be back home, so I wore long pants and wondered what the hell was happening.
I finally get home and call my dermatologist, who can't fit me in for a couple days. As if sensing a future fight, my follicles erupt into suicide-bombings that leave my legs even more hideous than they were before. I almost run into my dermatologist's office, whip up my skirt, and cry, "What do you make of THAT??!"
He looks over the plague, takes some swabs, asks me if I've done anything differently in the past week or two.
Uh oh.
I remember the razors. I list them in a sheepish voice, expecting the doctor to say, "Oh, fie! A different brand of razor couldn't cause this much damage." He doesn't. He nods and says, "Very possible. I've seen this happen before to people with sensitive skin. Here's a prescription for an antibiotic and some medicated lotion. Make sure you apply the lotion twice a day to every red dot."
I go home, and start my penance. I am now my skin's bitch. Here's my routine, twice a day, every day, for the past two weeks.
Me: *rubbing the medicated lotion on my skin* You like that, dontcha, baby?"
Hair follicles: "A little to the left, and softer."
Me: "Oooh, you want it over here? Okay, sugar, just like that...how's that feel?"
Hair follicles: "Circular motion, and don't make me say it twice!"
Me: *rubbing in circles* "Okay, okay! Is this good? Who's my cute little follicles, huh? Who?"
All swabs and biopsies have come back negative. The plague is lessening now, and of course, so as to not aggravate my hair follicles while they're healing, I've been unable to shave. *pause* FOR THREE WEEKS. My legs look like a pimple female Sasquatches, and all because I changed razors. You can bet your ass that from now on, I only buy my usual brand. I'll be like those little old ladies who refuse any new products because, "it's not what I normally use, sonny!" Yep, that'll be me. I've been schooled, and I've got the hairy spotted evidence to show for it.
So, all you sensitive-skin types, learn from the example my follicles made of me: careful switching brands. Sometimes, your body will take its revenge, and trust me, the results won't be pretty.
 Happy Wednesday, everyone.


( 21 comments — Leave a comment )
May. 14th, 2008 12:55 pm (UTC)
*tosses treats to the follicles in hopes they will take mercy on her even as she giggles*

Thank you for the entertaining start to a long day.
May. 14th, 2008 12:56 pm (UTC)
*smothers laugh* Hey, at least it wasn't bedbugs!

Hope your follicles are treating you better!
May. 14th, 2008 01:09 pm (UTC)
*pets follicles*

There, there ... I won't switch.
May. 14th, 2008 01:23 pm (UTC)
Heh, while I don't shave my legs, I do shave daily and I know that my throat area *despises* being shaved on principle and switching electric razors (or the blades in them) means the exact same thing. Which explains why I have a 10 year old electric razor with probably dull blades in it.

Interestingly, I use Nair for my underarms and I have *never* had a problem with that, no matter what brand of chemical hair remover Fluffy happen to have in the bathroom.
May. 14th, 2008 01:27 pm (UTC)
Poor Jeaniene!
Jeaniene, you made my Wednesday morning all the more bareable... get it bare? HAR HAR HAR.
*calms down*
I feel your pain. I hate hair, shaving red dots, skin that is dry and feels like the Sahara. :(
My stomach hurts from laughing so hard!
female Sasquatches? LMAO!!

May. 14th, 2008 01:55 pm (UTC)
*summons all follicles together* SPARTANS! PREPARE FOR GLORY!!!!"


Your hair follicles are the gayest, awesomest military force in Ancient Greece? ;)

As someone who suffers from her Ukrainian/Irish genetic history and therefore looks like a rabid orang-u-tan somedays, I sympathise completely.
May. 14th, 2008 02:13 pm (UTC)
geez, your follicles are murder! I've never heard such a thing. About follicles that get mad and get even!

Take GOOD care of them!
May. 14th, 2008 02:16 pm (UTC)
1. You crack me up.

2. I have sensitive skin. I use Aveeno shaving cream, body lotion, facial wash... it's the only company that doesn't make my skin bubble up and the first one or two layers peel off. Fun, right? The razor never seems to make the difference for me. *shrug*

3. Stacia Kane also has sensitive skin and gave me a great tip: baking soda. Since I have issues using other brands sometimes my skin needs something to remove build-up. I add baking soda to my face wash, my shampoo and my bodywash once a week. (Do not put it near your eyes or the sensitive lady bits... it's not good.)

4. Glad you are feeling better.
May. 14th, 2008 02:30 pm (UTC)
First, TMI. :P

Second, why would a razor make any difference? That is so weird.
May. 14th, 2008 02:58 pm (UTC)
All I can say is, thank God I'm a (hairy) man!

Edited at 2008-05-14 02:59 pm (UTC)
May. 14th, 2008 03:45 pm (UTC)
Ouch, great story! This happened to me the (one!) time I tried waxing. After the scream of pain they could hear in Terre Haute.

I'm a big fan of the Intuition razor. The shaving lotion is built right in. Only one thing to remember to buy and carry around. If they ever discontinue it, I'll have to stock up, like Elaine on Seinfeld with the contraceptive sponges.
May. 14th, 2008 05:05 pm (UTC)
Leaving soothing thoughts and prayers for your folicles... sensitive skin sucks, I know. Feel better soon!
May. 14th, 2008 05:06 pm (UTC)
Oh *waving hand like I've heard this all before* if I had a nickel for every time this happened to me. Hah! (Actually... I'd have fifteen cents, but that's between you, me and my high school guidance counselor.)

And why do angry follicles sound like Gollum?
May. 14th, 2008 05:24 pm (UTC)
Yup -- razor burn.

Been there (in fact, every time I try to shave my legs, this happens -- thank goodness for Veet! Of course, veet also has a tendency to leave a burning rash if left on even one minute too long . . .).

May. 14th, 2008 06:33 pm (UTC)
Ha, nice. So... what kind do you usually use? (Now that I'm totally paranoid.)
May. 14th, 2008 07:40 pm (UTC)
Oooh, your hair follicles are saucy... ;)
May. 14th, 2008 07:50 pm (UTC)
Toooo funny
Those who haven't read your books would have no idea how hysterically funny you are. *Spartans prepare for GLORY*

I am so sorry about what happened to you, and glad that you learn lessons quickly; or it would be a long hot Florida summer to wear pants in.
May. 14th, 2008 10:02 pm (UTC)
ROFL. Oh, J, oh I love you! I've been having the crapiest week evah and you just made my day a little bit brighter... *hugs*

Do the follicles want grapes? Or chocolate cover strawberries (I made those last night to deal)??
May. 14th, 2008 11:47 pm (UTC)
Ooh, man I feel your 'pain'! I had an infection or something of the hair follicles on the lower half of my body. I was on antibiotics or something for a couple weeks. I don't remember what set it off...but now I'm extra careful about every little itchy spot that appears on me anywhere!
May. 15th, 2008 01:30 am (UTC)
Ah, that reminds me of when I used depilatory cream on my underarms. Red, itchy, lumpy bumps ensued.

Sympathies to your hair follicles, and have a lovely day! :-)
May. 15th, 2008 03:31 am (UTC)
jesus christ.
( 21 comments — Leave a comment )