I haven't blogged about this before, because I didn't want to make them angry (but, shh, I think they're sleeping now). About three weeks ago, the hair follicles on my legs attacked me. It went something like this:
Me: (perusing grocery store a couple days before the RT convention) "Hmm, they're all out of my usual brand of razor. Can't go to the convention all hairy, so I'll just buy this brand instead."
Hair follicles: "Don't do it. We likes our usual brand."
Me: "Oh, you'll never know the difference."
Hair follicles: "Uh huh. Try us."
I ignore them and go home, shaving thoroughly. The follicles, bald and pissed, begin plotting their revenge.
Fast forward to my second day at the RT convention. I've showered and shaved - again - and I'm sitting on my hotel room bed applying cream to my legs. That's when I saw the first of them. Not enough to alarm, there were about three or four little red dots along my legs.
Me: "I don't remember getting bitten by mosquitoes. Hm. Oh well. Must've happened when I was walking the dog back in FL."
Hair Follicles: That's right, don't worry about us. We're harmless. *summons all follicles together* SPARTANS! PREPARE FOR GLORY!!!!"
By the end of the RT convention, my legs were covered with little red dots. It looked like chicken pox, except I'd already had that. I couldn't do anything about it, since I was out of state and still had a day-long train ride before I'd be back home, so I wore long pants and wondered what the hell was happening.
I finally get home and call my dermatologist, who can't fit me in for a couple days. As if sensing a future fight, my follicles erupt into suicide-bombings that leave my legs even more hideous than they were before. I almost run into my dermatologist's office, whip up my skirt, and cry, "What do you make of THAT??!"
He looks over the plague, takes some swabs, asks me if I've done anything differently in the past week or two.
Uh oh.
I remember the razors. I list them in a sheepish voice, expecting the doctor to say, "Oh, fie! A different brand of razor couldn't cause this much damage." He doesn't. He nods and says, "Very possible. I've seen this happen before to people with sensitive skin. Here's a prescription for an antibiotic and some medicated lotion. Make sure you apply the lotion twice a day to every red dot."
I go home, and start my penance. I am now my skin's bitch. Here's my routine, twice a day, every day, for the past two weeks.
Me: *rubbing the medicated lotion on my skin* You like that, dontcha, baby?"
Hair follicles: "A little to the left, and softer."
Me: "Oooh, you want it over here? Okay, sugar, just like that...how's that feel?"
Hair follicles: "Circular motion, and don't make me say it twice!"
Me: *rubbing in circles* "Okay, okay! Is this good? Who's my cute little follicles, huh? Who?"
All swabs and biopsies have come back negative. The plague is lessening now, and of course, so as to not aggravate my hair follicles while they're healing, I've been unable to shave. *pause* FOR THREE WEEKS. My legs look like a pimple female Sasquatches, and all because I changed razors. You can bet your ass that from now on, I only buy my usual brand. I'll be like those little old ladies who refuse any new products because, "it's not what I normally use, sonny!" Yep, that'll be me. I've been schooled, and I've got the hairy spotted evidence to show for it.
So, all you sensitive-skin types, learn from the example my follicles made of me: careful switching brands. Sometimes, your body will take its revenge, and trust me, the results won't be pretty.
Happy Wednesday, everyone.
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frost_light- Jeaniene Frost
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Comments
Thank you for the entertaining start to a long day.
Hope your follicles are treating you better!
There, there ... I won't switch.
Interestingly, I use Nair for my underarms and I have *never* had a problem with that, no matter what brand of chemical hair remover Fluffy happen to have in the bathroom.
*calms down*
I feel your pain. I hate hair, shaving red dots, skin that is dry and feels like the Sahara. :(
My stomach hurts from laughing so hard!
female Sasquatches? LMAO!!
That's a scary story to tell around the campfires, children!
:blinks:
Your hair follicles are the gayest, awesomest military force in Ancient Greece? ;)
As someone who suffers from her Ukrainian/Irish genetic history and therefore looks like a rabid orang-u-tan somedays, I sympathise completely.
Take GOOD care of them!
2. I have sensitive skin. I use Aveeno shaving cream, body lotion, facial wash... it's the only company that doesn't make my skin bubble up and the first one or two layers peel off. Fun, right? The razor never seems to make the difference for me. *shrug*
3. Stacia Kane also has sensitive skin and gave me a great tip: baking soda. Since I have issues using other brands sometimes my skin needs something to remove build-up. I add baking soda to my face wash, my shampoo and my bodywash once a week. (Do not put it near your eyes or the sensitive lady bits... it's not good.)
4. Glad you are feeling better.
Second, why would a razor make any difference? That is so weird.
Edited at 2008-05-14 02:59 pm (UTC)
However, I do have sensative skin and have to avoid most soap brands, dish detergent and certain shampoos. If I don't the skin will make me pay for weeks. The skin scares me when it is pissed so it wins everytime. Until you deal with an allergy to dish detegent that causes your hands to crack, peel and burn, you have not known fear.
Thanks for posting it as it cracked me up (not your misery as much as the "spartans, prepare for glory" comments ect. Hope you are doing better.
I'm a big fan of the Intuition razor. The shaving lotion is built right in. Only one thing to remember to buy and carry around. If they ever discontinue it, I'll have to stock up, like Elaine on Seinfeld with the contraceptive sponges.
And why do angry follicles sound like Gollum?
Been there (in fact, every time I try to shave my legs, this happens -- thank goodness for Veet! Of course, veet also has a tendency to leave a burning rash if left on even one minute too long . . .).
I am so sorry about what happened to you, and glad that you learn lessons quickly; or it would be a long hot Florida summer to wear pants in.
Do the follicles want grapes? Or chocolate cover strawberries (I made those last night to deal)??
Sympathies to your hair follicles, and have a lovely day! :-)